Are You a Fighter?

When I started Kung Fu, my teacher asked me a simple question: “Are you a fighter?”

I answered immediately, “No.” A strange response from someone who had already earned a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and had been studying martial arts for several years. But the way I was raised, being called a fighter was not a compliment.

• Don’t fight with your brother.
• Don’t fight at school.
• Don’t fight with anyone!

Fighting was the other “F-word.” If you were a fighter, you were probably a punk or a criminal. So, I wasn’t a fighter—I was a martial artist!

Most traditional martial arts follow this same line of thinking. They talk about loyalty, courage, and self-control. They talk about becoming noble members of society. They talk about taking the high road and avoiding trouble whenever possible.

Some arts, like Aikido, even talk about loving their enemies and wielding compassion as a weapon. But what don’t they talk about?

They don’t talk about being a fighter.

And that’s a mistake. Because fighting is good. Fighting is noble. We are programmed to survive on a cellular level. And that means fighting.

Fighting viruses, fighting to breathe, fighting to heal… what’s more natural and virtuous than fighting?

Yes, it’s true that avoiding trouble is often the wisest choice to make, but it’s also true that there is a right and proper time to fight. And fight hard.

What if I told you someone was fighting cancer? Fighting for equal rights? Fighting for clean water? All good, right? That’s because fighting is not inherently evil. It all depends on the cause.

Fighting is an essential part of building, sustaining, and protecting a happy life.

So then why are so many people—good, kind-hearted people—either afraid or ashamed to call themselves fighters?

How about you–

Are you a fighter?

Here’s the funny thing—whether you answer yes or no, you’re probably wrong! Here’s why—

Most people are fighters in one area of their life, but passive in other areas. Maybe you have no problem standing up for yourself with a spouse or partner, but when your parent criticizes you, you don’t say a word. Or maybe you have no problem telling off a rude teenager at the movies, but you back down facing a police officer. Or maybe you’ll fight for a parking space, but not for a raise.

In short, each relationship and context is unique and your behavior changes accordingly.

Unfortunately, if we make a habit of either fighting or not fighting, we miss the chance to choose our behavior. Sure, a habit might be the right way to go some of the time, but never all the time.

In martial arts, if you always duck when someone punches, eventually you’ll get kneed in the face. If you always rush in when someone drops their guard, you’ll eventually run into a counter-punch.

Think about this: wherever you are in life is the exact result of your current habits. Your health, happiness, finances, relationships—everything.

So, if everything in your life is good, great! Go have a bowl of ice cream and change nothing. But if something could be better, you need to change something. And here’s the first step—

Give yourself choices. You have no power when you’re stuck in a rut. Repeating the same behaviors and thinking the same thoughts will only get you so far. Open up your options. When you are free to choose, something magical happens—you instantly become less predictable.

You want to be strategic. You want to act, not react. Sometimes you fight, sometimes you don’t. It depends on what you believe to be the best course of action in any given moment.

But how can we be sure when we’re stuck in a rut? How can we break our bad habits and exercise our power of choice? Try this.

1) Observe yourself.

Today, pay attention to the times you fight and when you don’t. What makes your chest tighten? What makes you say something without even thinking?

What are your triggers? Who pulls those triggers?

WHY you behave one way or another is not our concern right now–this is not a therapy session. Just make note of when you feel like fighting.

2) Ask questions.

If you read Who Knows You the Best, you know I believe in asking people questions to better know myself. Try this–ask your partner, “Am I a fighter?” What answer do you think you’ll get?

Ask your parents. Your kids. Your best friend. Your boss. Your neighbor. Your co-worker. Do they all agree?

In the same way you know who the fighters are in your life, the people around you have a clear image of you, too. Take a poll and see where you stand. You may be surprised.

3) Do the opposite.

Now comes the hard part. Once you identify a habit, you must do the opposite. On purpose. Just to see if you can. Just to see how it feels.

Let’s say you’re in a restaurant and receive the wrong order. If you usually send it back, try not sending it back. If you usually eat the wrong order, send it back.

Or when someone cuts you in line at the market, if you usually speak up, let it go. If you usually say nothing, speak up. Do the same thing with all of the triggers you discovered during steps 1 and 2. But be warned—this is not easy!

Remember, this is not about who’s right and who’s wrong… this is about giving yourself the power to choose any behavior you wish at any given moment.

Frightening thought. If you can’t control your behavior in moments when the consequences don’t really matter, how can you expect to control yourself when the pressure is on and the consequences are life or death? Make it a goal to control your feelings and actions regarding small matters first, then work your way up to important matters along the way.

Final thought. Some people think losing a fight is the worst feeling in the world, but that’s not true…

The worst feeling is not giving something your best shot.

Feeling you didn’t do the right thing at the right time. Employing the wrong tactic. Playing the wrong card. Walking away thinking, “I wish I hadn’t said that,” or “I wish I had said something.” Remember this—

Losing a fight is not a problem when you believe you did the right thing. Even if you end up broke, fired, hurt, or in jail.

But doing the right thing means taking the time to figure out what you’re willing to fight for. And being able to step up when you need to make a stand. And step back when you need to let something go.

Not because you have to, but because you choose to. That is true power.

This article is a summary of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Are You a Fighter?” Listen to the full episode here.