What It Takes To Be a Self-Defense Expert

What does it take to be a self-defense expert? Most people have no idea. Case in point…

I was at dinner with a female friend the other night. Our conversation was interrupted when a gentleman walked past our table. It was obvious why.

The gentleman was tall, handsome, and built like a superhero. She commented, “Wow. He should be in the UFC or something.”

I should have let it go. But I just couldn’t. “What do you mean?”

“Well, look at him! He’s in great shape. He’d beat everybody!”

I stared into my soup. Did she really just say that? Does she really think all bodybuilders are also world-class fighters? Should I ask for the check now or just walk out?

Of course, she’s not the first person to presume a connection between fitness and fighting. Or between size and self-defense skills. I can’t tell you how many times someone has pointed out the biggest guy in the room and asked me, “Man, that guy is huge! Think you could take him?”

What a dumb question. “Taking someone” has nothing to do with self-defense. The better question is—

“If that guy tried to hurt you, do you think you could stop him?”

Yes. Yes, I do. And that’s not all…

I think you can, too.

But that’s still not the right question. The right question is—

“Do you think you can prevent trouble, resolve conflicts, avoid violence, and live a long, happy life?”

Now, that’s a real self-defense question!

But most people don’t want to hear that. They prefer self-defense tips that include knees to the groin and palm heels to the nose. Even martial artists fall into this trap.

In my article, Martial Arts Are For Smart People, I made the case that martial arts training should be focused on the mind, not musculature. Now, let me share a story that will make my point even clearer…

The Self-Defense Expert and the Supermarket Punks

My wife and I used to live in a dangerous neighborhood. It was common to hear gunshots, sirens, and police helicopters after the sun went down.

Because of the high crime rate, we usually journeyed to the supermarket during the day. But not on this day.

When we drove to the market, the parking lot was dark. Only a few cars were scattered about.

We grabbed what we needed, checked out, and headed outside.

My wife fiddled with her purse while I carried the bag of groceries. I was looking down, thinking about nothing I can remember. That’s when I saw something…

On the right. A young man. Walking straight at us. Two other young men right behind him.

Judging from their intense facial expressions, it was obvious they weren’t going to be asking for directions. These were punks looking for trouble.

It got worse. I now noticed two more punks leaning on a car 50 feet away on the edge of the lot.

So, five punks in all. Three closing in fast.

My wife and I both walked wide to the left to create some distance, hoping to circle back to our car.

They followed. Not saying a word.

I was in my mid-20’s at this time and had already earned a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I was also a student of Kung Fu. Even though I wouldn’t have called myself a self-defense expert, I sure as heck knew more about dealing with bad guys than most people.

Or so I thought.

Based on my knowledge of self-defense tactics, I knew I needed to take assertive action right away.

I spoke up using my big voice. “What do you want?”

Dumb. I asked a question when I should have barked out a command like, “Back up!” I was also retreating when I spoke, which made me look even weaker.

The three punks kept coming, still not saying a word.

Then it got even worse. The leader had his right hand hidden in the pocket of his hoodie. I immediately thought, “Weapon.”

I called him on it, still using my big voice. “What’s in your pocket?”

More wasted words. What was I thinking? That’s not what I trained myself to say at all! But it didn’t matter anyway—the punks weren’t listening.

By the time we made it to our car, there was no time to open the door. We kept circling backwards as they pursued. There was no doubt that we were about to be attacked.

The moment arrived. No more running. The leader marched right at me…

Two steps away…

One step away…

My last thought—throw the bag of groceries into his face, trap his weapon hand with my left, strike low with my right.

But that never happened.

Instead, I got hit.

But not from the front!

And not by the punk!

I was hit from the side…

…by my wife!

Like a torpedo, she shoved me out of the way, grabbing me around the chest.

I panicked. “Let me go! What are you doing?”

Still ready to fight, I fought with her to let go. But my wife was committed to pushing me all the way back into the supermarket.

The punks didn’t follow us. To our relief, they turned around, got in their car, and left.

And that was that.

Whew! Don’t you love a happy ending?

Okay. Now for the big question—who would you say was the self-defense expert in that story? Here’s a clue…

It wasn’t me!

That night, my wife was the self-defense expert. Where I had tunnel vision, she saw the big picture. Where I saw a fight, my wife saw a way to avoid a fight.

That is the lesson I hope martial artists remember. Developing fighting skills is worthless if you neglect the study of tactics and strategy. The goal of training should always be to fight smarter, not just better.

Train the general first, the soldier second.

A self-defense expert doesn’t allow the soldier to draw up the battle plans. The expert knows the soldier always wants to fight. Only the general should be trusted to make decisions.

The general knows when it’s time to fight and when to fall back. When to charge ahead and when to retreat.

The general keeps the priorities of the mission straight. What mission?

The mission to survive.

And now for a twist…

Believe it or not, there was another self-defense expert in the parking lot that night. Someone even smarter than my wife.

Who was it?

What if I told you that when we got back into the supermarket, we found an old lady standing by the door with her cart?

What if I told you that this old lady had scanned the parking lot before she left the store, saw the punks, and decided to wait inside?

What if I told you that the old lady was waiting by the door until a manager could escort her outside?

Wow! This lady was a five star general!

She wasn’t a black belt. She wasn’t fast or strong. She didn’t carry a weapon. Yet that old lady was a true self-defense expert.

The old lady didn’t deal with trouble. The old lady didn’t avoid trouble. The old lady prevented trouble!

Maybe that’s the secret to how she became an old lady in the first place. She made her survival a top priority at all times.

The lesson is clear. If you want to be safer, don’t be impressed by muscles or by punches and kicks. The truth is that by the time you have to punch or kick to save your life, many things have already gone wrong. Things you might have been able to avoid. Instead…

Be impressed by people who think ahead.

Be impressed when someone sees the big picture even when they’re under pressure.

Be impressed when someone keeps their priorities straight even when everybody else has let their guard down.

Be impressed when someone knows how to prevent trouble instead of just knowing how to deal with it.

That’s what it takes to be a true self-defense expert.